I don’t understand many things which happened…  Or why is it always the same people with the same problem?

Don’t they have the common sense to learn from their mistakes and not make it again? And again…

Or walk the obvious same path of a failure?

Well, I ought to be more compassionate right?

 

_______ ___ .

 

 

Why do I always have to take all this _____ caused by others?

So much for trying to live a “decent” life, going to school and obeying the rules.

But who am I to say? When I was the very person who drove Jesus to the cross, undeservingly bearing all my sins, that I in turn can have the greatest love of all.

=’’(

I haven’t stepped out of home from Thursday evening to Saturday afternoon. Will finally go out tonight for a concert.

Been turning down many things this week to recuperate… I’m not sick to the extent of being immobile/non-functional =X, just wanna prevent getting sicker.

I totally can’t afford to man.

2 tests and 1 assignment due next week.
Music theory exam the following week.

 

 

I am in quite an irritable mood now and I think I’m so prone to offending people due to my sarcasm and my directness hahaha.

I should seriously do some self-reflection.

Or you can just let me know :)

My mum is an awesome woman. :)

The one who corrects my every unglamness all the time, who shows me other people’s unglamness and teaches me not to do likewise. =X

Especially as a girl/lady/woman.

She stresses a lot on personal care and stuff I wear. I always feel that I have to be on my best behaviour with her around… Cos she will somehow scrutinise me top to bottom. Ha.

She knows all my bad habits, my favourite food and my ‘pattern’. =P

Very well.

She was the one who encouraged me to learn the piano, seeing how much I wanted to. And bought me a good piano at the risk that I might someday stop learning.

She was also the one who bought me a  rather ex badminton racket when I got into my school team.

She never once object to the things I wanna do in life and always supports me by her actions…  And silence… =’)

I think she’s funny! Always the one teasing others, and bringing laughter. Haha.

She’s a very strong woman too. =)

I hope we can go to church together one day…

 

I wanna be like her. =)

My mum has persistent headache and I don’t even know what to do with it.

It sucks to feel helpless.

People expect nurses to know everything. Even nursing students. They ask me questions from the head to toe and expect me to know everything at my finger tips (pun intended =X).

Some feel mighty high that they know something related to health more than I do.

Fact is, do you seriously think that anyone can know everything about the human body in just 1.5 years? There is an astronomical amount of information to digest.

I hate it when people say mindless things like “You are a nurse right, you’re supposed to know.”

If you have ever said that, stop it.

 

Would you see an Oncologist for your broken thumb?

Common sense would tell you not to cos that is stupid and you know an Oncologist can’t do much about your thumb. He might refer you to an Orthopedist who knows better.

 

Like you don’t expect a violinist to know how to play a cello, just because he is a musician.  -_-

 

I need more patience to deal with such people.

Skipped school yesterday!

Happy I did because there was only 1 read-from-notes lecture by a lecturer who sounded so boring I think he bored himself sometimes.

Not worth the effort travelling to school since I’m feeling unwell (physically, emotionally, psychologically. Hahaha)

So I reckoned it was a good day to finally make my way down to Tanjong Katong to repair my cello and change a new set of strings. I’ve been procrastinating it for the longest time…

Not very proud of that.

 

Felt good just being surrounded by pianos :) They look magnificent by themselves! :) Brilliant invention :)

Tools!!! 0.0

Cradling my baby Charles :)

I like him! Nice fellow to talk to :) We happen to share the same birth date too :)

Found out that there are just about 3-4 repairmen in Singapore.

Very happy with the result! I love the new strings too! :)

And there is no excuse not to play better now……………

 

Hmmm. I think it’s also high time to tune my piano now… My tuner took 1.5 hours to tune mine last year cos I didn’t tune it for years haha.

Tsk…

 

~~~

My angling is really bad

@ School’s McDonald’s

Planning for our July holiday trip to Taiwan!!! I really hope we are able to go! We need more vacations seriously.

Let’s not go into schoolwork… It’s driving all of us crazy.

Everyone’s so tired in school now. Boo.

My gastrointestinal system has been cranky lately… That I feel nauseous after every meal I take.

What’s going on inside of me? :(

It’s not something unfamiliar though… I get that whenever I’m overwhelmed by things, particularly schoolwork.

School has started and we are all flooded with impending tests and assignments to submit.

Plus my music theory exam is in < 3 weeks’ time.

Sometimes… I think maybe it’s good to be sick? At least there is a valid reason not to do anything and just rest without the guilt. And perhaps it’s just the body’s way of forcing us to take a break.

Ha, this coming from a nurse…  -_-

I think I am a very blessed girl! :)

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday such a touching and memorable one :), really appreciate all the effort my friends put into… :’)

Birthdays are not a very big deal for me, it is perhaps a good day to reflect back on our journey and see how far we have come? Or how far we are to achieving our dreams.

I believe everyone has a purpose here on Earth, is what we are doing in line with that? Otherwise, stop doing things aimlessly and start doing what you have always wanted to do!

Life is too short to waste on things you dislike doing. Eww cliche. But true. :)

 

 

On my birthday, I thanked God for taking care of me and protecting me for the past 23 years + 9 months and for placing so many wonderful people in my life to help and encourage me on my way.

Indeed God knows all our needs. :)
Knowing Him is the best thing that happened in my life.

I also remembered my big brother… The one whom I never had the chance to know… But I know he’s watching over me. =’)

 

 

So much for now… Gotta START writing a 500-essay about my view on the importation of foreigners into Singapore… Asset or liability?

I think it’s generally an asset, though of course some of their social behaviours put people off.  -_-

It has been the best week of 2010!!!

I am so blessed and touched to be reunited with my extended family members and my best of friends. :)

I wouldn’t trade anything for that!

School work takes a step back this week though it’s constantly screaming for my attention. It’s gonna be extremely tough when school starts next Monday.

I’m scared now as I think about it…

 

To digress…

I like this pic cos of my big foot! Hahaha.

This is Jeff my godbro! We’ve known each other since I was about 15 years old… So in his impression, I’m always this 16/17 year-old girl.  -_-

One night I had a dream that he was attached, so I asked him and TRUE enough, he just got attached. And now he’s happily married to her! =)

He likes this pic cos it’s sketchy = my face is unclear = looks nicer.  -_-Hahaha.

@ his house! Had a surprise celebration hahaha… This must have been the most surprising one ever, maybe cos I kept forgetting it was actually my birthday since it coincided with CNY and like I mentioned, there’re many other things screaming for my attention… Boo.

Anyway, we were talking about our lives and stuff and I mentioned about my Psychology CAs which is just 5 days apart from each other and how crazy is that blabla…

And he said one sentence which struck me…

“You can one la if you put your heart into it.”

It might appear like a casual/cliche statement but it actually made me reflect. I thought back on the things I actually put my heart into doing.

I always think that I have really bad memory? But there was once I really put my heart into learning a Bach piano piece and I can still remember every note now… (Cos it’s the piece I used to prove myself wrong with.)

And how I put my heart into studying/memorising for my very FIRST test in university and got among the highest… I remember the test was the day after Jeff’s wedding.

I think it’s a matter of how much a person wants a thing? If you want it bad enough, you can actually have it? Hmmm…

Like if you want to live long enough to see a family member for one last time, you can actually hold on to your dear life even as Death beckons you?

I’m fascinated by the human willpower. I don’t know where that comes from… Is it in us all along? Does it surface only when our relentless determination forces it to?

 

 

 

Anyway, the tragic thing is that subsequently, I became complacent/lazy/”attitude” and I stopped having the desire to want to score well (for various reasons)? And my grades plummeted in ways you cannot imagine. =X

It is bad considering it was only after my FIRST test.

=/ 

Just wrote about “comparison of a human being with another” but I didn’t post it. Haha.

Comparison is really a mean thing to do.

I came up with an analogy many years ago about it.

Think about balls.

There are a thousand kind of balls.

Ranging from a pinball, pingpong, golf ball, basketball…

Fishball, meatball, sotongball… Lol.

They are all BALLS but very different balls.

 

Is a tennis ball better than a basketball?

How do you answer that? How can anyone compare 2 different things of 2 different purposes???

A tennis ball works best being hit by a tennis racket on the tennis court. A sensible person will not replace a basketball for that.

Likewise, it is 100x easier to run while bouncing a basketball than doing the same with a tennis ball.

 

Common sense conclusion:

1) We are all human beings.
2) With very different purposes and abilities.
3) So there really isn’t any basis to compare on.

 

Therefore, people should stop comparing because it doesn’t make sense! And worse still, it might have detrimental effect on a person’s self-esteem and mindset about himself.

Please refute if you want.

 

~~~

 

That aside!

I love this year’s CNY celebration with my maternal family!!!  It was really encouraging that they were so supportive of me doing nursing and music. :)

But as usual they are hoping I could get a doctor as a boyfriend or something…… –_- What’s so good about doctors actually.

My aunt warned me about “pervertic” doctors too! It’s not something unusual. Working in the healthcare industry is extremely (quality of) life-threatening.

My grandma was quite cute, she went on to “assess” me and commented that I have a “nurse” look and others which I won’t say. All well though, but I don’t like to be scrutinised!!! Hahaha.

She’s quite concerned that the majority of her grandchildren are not attached yet!!! Lol…

 

The following pictures are CLASSIC. It never fail to make me LAUGH hahaha.

This is my youngest cousin, Edward, playing with the hairdryer.

Prior to this, he wanted to “shoot” me with it. Lol…

 

PRICELESS expression!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

If he sees this 10 years later, he’d probably kill me! But he laughed too! =P

Picture of the year!!!!! =P

It was an awesome reunion with my relatives! I love being in their company, my aunties and uncles are such funny people!!!

My cousin and her doggie!
She is the same age as me so we grew up together for our first 10 years of our lives, :) Combining our Polly Pockets and hopping from playground to playground!!! :)

We went to the same kindergarten and primary school and were taken care of by the same nanny too. :)

 

Us with our youngest cousins (9 and  11) who couldn’t stop talking! Lol…

 

The entire house was filled with noisy chatters and laughter, it was heartwarming being in the presence of people who saw me grew up. :)

Anyway,

Happy CNY everyone!!!
And a happy Valentine’s day too!!!

May your days be filled with love and warmth from the people around you! :)

THANK GOD IT’S THE END OF FRIDAY! 

Surviving through this week is a victory in itself. My brain seriously needs some rest and quality sleep. I am feeling the mental lethargic effect.

“A mind of its own” has new meaning now! It sucks when you can’t even control your own mind. Mine has been over-stimulated recently by the continual generation of thoughts and questions.

Even as I lay on bed, mentally exhausted and ‘urgently’ needed to sleep, it just wouldn’t stop thinking. Maybe I’m subconsciously worried about something or plainly stressed out?

I think of the most random questions like

“What is the difference between visualisation, imagination and a fantasy???”

It seems that "visualisation" has a more positive connotation to it, like thinking of something 'sensible'. Whereas a "fantasy" might imply an irrational thought.

However, essentially, thoughts are boundless and I think that all 3 mean the same!

How can one mark the 'cut-off' point of being rational or irrational... And why do we often hear things like "Stop fantasizing" when everything that we do first starts off as a thought? Is it more "wrong" to fantasize than to visualise???

Never underestimate the power of one thought.

The more you think about something, the more you veer your life towards it, and your entire course of life changes.

 

~~~~~~~

 

My mind raised another question too.

“If a person talks ill about his own race, does that make him a racist? And will he be charged?”

Racial differences is an extremely sensitive topic to talk about in Singapore, especially so due to our many racial conflicts in the past.

It is not uncommon for people to be charged for making rude remarks about another race which might exacerbate the ever-present racial tension, which is just below the surface, barely covered and very fragile.

So what would make of my above question???

Will talking ill about a person’s own race cause racial tension??? I believe to a certain extent yes.

It is even more convincing for another race to hear it from the horse’s mouth and confirm every pre/misconception he has for that race.

And in the long run, IF racial conflicts arose, he has more reasons to be against that race.

Therefore a person who speaks ill of his own race is insidiously building up negative impressions in the minds of other races and hence might indirectly aggravate future racial conflicts (if any).

Just my 2-cent worth of thoughts.

What do you think??? I’d love having a discussion/debate anytime.

 

~~~~~~

 

Speaking of which…

I did a group presentation for politics tutorial today. Early in the morning at 10am!!!

Topic was

“Was PAP’s single-minded aim of ensuring Singapore’s survival at all costs responsible for the eventual separation from Malaysia in August 1965?”

We touched on the economic, political and social aspects. I took social as I’m not very familiar with the other 2.

I talked about how LKY wanted a “Malaysian Malaysia” but Tunku wanted special rights for the Malays.

Man… I was nervous. Firstly cos I don’t think I’m really good in speaking? Worse in a group of about 25.  Secondly, there were many way outspoken and knowledgeable students in it who actually majored in History kinda fields.

And the last thing I wanna do was to screw up my group result since it was determined by the rest of the students.

But all well in the end!!! They thought that the points about racial tensions and economy were good :) and overall presentation was “commendable” hahaha.

Phewwwwww…..

Definitely worth losing sleep over for the past 2 nights. :) Glad it’s over. :)

Till then…

This week is daunting. Fully packed days from Monday to Friday! I need to stop and take a deep breath!

And frankly speaking, I’m overwhelmed.

By the present. And the future.

It seems like my entire year has already been planned out.

February – CNY, assignments.
March – Assignments, music theory exam
April – End of Semester exams
May – Attachment
June – Attachment
July – Precious little holiday.
August – Orchestra concert, school
September – Piano exam
November – End of Semester exams
December – Attachment, Christmas

+ weekly piano lessons and orchestra practices + church and cell group meetings through the year.

I’m afraid  I’ll end up screwing everything. It’s like putting all the eggs in one basket?

Then again, last year was similar. Though of course now I’m in Year 2, my music grade is higher, orchestra is playing more difficult pieces and attachment is longer by 3 weeks.

 

I feel better now after listing everything. At least I know I’m being stretched because I am going to places I have never been. I feel the resistance as I more forward, breaking those walls in front of me.

And I know that God will not bring me to a place where He knows I can’t handle. :) And I know that no matter how many times I fall, He will pick me up and we will continue this race together. As always.

Time spent at home (or rather in my room) is too precious… There are just too many things to do even at home.

It takes a lot out of me to go out of my house sometimes and that is a big issue concerning my unpunctuality. Sigh…

And whenever I’m out, I hate wasting time because of the thought that I could use that time more productively at home, like practising on my instruments while I’m still energized.

However, when I’m home in my room with my instruments < 1m from me, I can’t touch them due to schoolwork or simply reaching home too late. It is like dangling a carrot in front of me.

The feeling is horrible and depressing.

 

I love Saturdays because it’s my only free day. I’d definitely like to stay at home if not for spending time with my closer friends or family. I love their presence :)

 

Brief meet-up with MengChing and KaiLin today @ SoupSpoon again :)

Then I had to meet Dad for his company dinner @ Grand Copthorne

He went around introducing me to his colleagues and it was quite nice to just tag along without the need to entertain. =P

This, as I had just learnt, is called a “Tea VASE” as said by a waitress. It is quite an unusual term but it made sense after a while. :)

 

Ok I’m feeling emoo and kinda disappointed with myself this week. I could have practised and studied more instead of idling around. *shrug*

It was an eventful Friday! :)

I like eventful days, somehow I feel more useful… Or rather more productive.

I’m finally working on my first exam piece, hope it’s not too late. It’s by J.C.E. Bach, J.S Bach’s 2nd youngest son. :)

I like Bach :) Though many of his pieces are in running notes which seem to go on and on, there is something captivating about that. It makes you take a second listen.

It’s hard to get sick of his music even after hearing it 100 times :)

 

 

Recently I noticed a significant increase in the people I know getting ATTACHED. Maybe it’s the start-of-the-year kinda thing???

Or maybe I’m actually at THE age already?

Erm, yea definitely hahaha.

My mum was married at my age. I just can’t imagine myself in her shoes haha.

In any case, I believe we shouldn’t be pressurized in any way to rush into making such an important decision in life. I mean what’s the hurry when eventually both of you are going to spend a lifetime together?

Patience is the key!!! :)

 

Sigh… And maybe I should stop fantasizing.

Though much of what I am doing now is what I 'fantasized' many years ago.

Maybe it’s different when it involves another human being…?

Shrug.

I think someone/myself accidentally threw away my music theory notes and past exam papers which I have done. How can I survive without it??? At least for the next 1 month before my exam.

Registration for piano exam starts next week. I’m going to register for the September one, which is the latest month for exam. Orchestra is having a public concert beginning of August too.

On top of that, I have a 7-week attachment until end of June.

Honestly I don’t know if I can manage. =/ Hmmm… Actually, I’m doubting.

But I’ll certainly not give up music for SCHOOL. Music is a lifetime investment… It goes with me till my dying days.

Whereas school is just a passing phase. Most of us forget what we learn anyway.

However, there is another side to it, that since it’s a passing phase, it only happens once in a lifetime and we gotta make the best out of it. Reasonable.

Take note that the word “best” is subjective and is a variable. :)

 

 

There are just too many inner conflicts in my mind.

Well, it was just a go-through-the-motion day. What’s new?

The only thing I did differently today was – I have finally tried YAMI YOGHURT. Haha.

I wanted “Honeydew” but it was sold out. “Peachie” too… –_- What a bad first experience. They could have put a sign or something to indicate???

So I ordered “Winter Melon” which has quite an awful first taste but got better subsequently, so I was fine. :)

Bumped into a friend and she commented that I’ve slimmed down, that was what Emma told me yesterday too! *Beams*

However, I looked into the mirror and was not convinced… =/ I don’t even exercise now.

But well, it is probably due to my loss of appetite? When I wake up in the morning, food is not one of the first thing on my mind now (usually it is. =P)

And also probably due to my timetable which is nicely planned such that breaks in between lessons are minimised. :)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Whatever is it, school is kinda plain now. People are acting strange and I am not motivated to study at all. To think that I used to love studying when I was younger… But somehow along the way I just lost it.

(Btw studying does not = learning.)

I must admit that I am never a hardworking person and complacency is a big issue for me. That’s probably why I’m better in subjects which doesn’t have a definite answer and doesn’t require much memorising. :)

I love those subjects. Think along GP, literature and stuff like that…

After all, you can always find definite answers in textbooks, why the need to memorise?

 

*shrug*

Can someone give me a good reason???????????????????????

With a sensible rationale, I think my grades are more likely to improve. It is because I can’t see the reason behind doing something, which causes such reluctance to do it.

This has always been on of my biggest mental conflict.  It’s agonising.

 

On the other hand, I am happy with my relationship with my cello now though. :) I look forward to practising after school each night :) My teacher must be happy to know this haha.

Reason is simple.

I practise, and actually see the result. This acts as a super positive reinforcement which makes me wanna improve more.

And I’m not practising for any exams or to please anyone. It is just a pure desire to want to improve just because. There is no string attached and the only pressure comes from myself.

 

This is such a huge irony, certainly a field of study psychologists might be interested in. I will willingly be a research participant anytime, in hope that they might be able to come up with a solution and revolutionalise the entire education system.

(Participated in 2 Psychology researches today… And more to come! Because they made it compulsory.)

Recently I have been practising the cello more than the piano. Cello is much more fun actually, though of course more technically demanding and frustrating.

It is just strange…

Yesterday, I had an offer to play in a string trio in a wedding for about $xxx/hour. That’s great news! I hope the timing doesn’t clash.

And today, a friend asked if I could play for a yearly nursing event in school. I think it’d be real fun to play together with my fellow schoolmates! I like our cohort. :)

When I think back, I’m amazed in the way things actually line up.

I guess when we sow our little seed of (whatever) talent and keep watering it, God will eventually multiply our little seed and open more doors for us.

I’m in awe of how God works as I trace back on my journey with the cello… And the people and opportunities He put in along the way to make that journey possible.

It never fails to touch me and bring tears to my eyes.

 

It is a ongoing journey for as long as I can still live and function…

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning amidst the many mountains in life.

And at times, my vision is impeded and I loss track of my direction –  what am I practising for? Where will this eventually lead me to?

 

As clueless as I still am, I just want to be a good steward of this little seed that God has placed in my hands, and with that, to glorify His name in big and small ways.

 

 

P/S: The above pictures were taken at Lake Toba, Indonesia! :) Thankfully the fog cleared shortly after we arrived, to unravel its magnificent beauty. :)